ADDICT-Part 3

About a year or so ago I got sucked into the show Intervention on A&E Monday nights. T and I both like watching the show and we never miss a single episode. I find myself crying tears of joy when the addict in the families agrees to go to rehab and I cry tears of pain because I know exactly how the family, especially the children of addicts feel. When they read their letters and express how the addiction affects their life, I find myself and feelings in so many of those letters.

I have thought and talked about having an intervention for my father. I always felt deep down my dad is beyond an intervention, or help. He has been to at least 7 rehabs; he will get clean and sober temporarily. There is always a relapse in the end….

*I was so proud of my dad when my little brother told me 6 months ago that my dad was in a facility, and he was doing great. My father told me himself how good he was doing and how he had to quit all the drinking and drugs so he could have his heart stents and other surgeries done. No Cardiologist or heart surgeon would touch him until he was sober. Amen to that! It was a miracle and I thought it was all too good to be true. Even though my dad said he was sober and doing well, I had a very hard time believing him.

My dad called this past September to tell me he was moving into his own studio apartment at a sober living facility, he was so excited to have his own space. I was so happy and so proud of him.

My little brother and I were even planning a trip to go visit our dad in Jacksonville, FL. We have not seen our dad since May 2008. My brother has never been to Florida to meet our dad’s side of the family. Plus our Grandmother is 86 years old and has not seen my little brother since he was 3, my little sister since she was 6, my older sister since she was 18 and me since I was 12. It’s been way too long!

My dad called me two weeks ago and begged for me to return his call and to call my grandmother. I never called back… A week ago our brother (Greg) hit my sisters and I up on FB to get this trip planned to see our dad and grandma back in Florida. I was so ready to do this trip with hopefully all 3 of my siblings and the planning was in the works…
Until this past Sunday morning when we got the news my dad was in JAIL.
We found out why he was arrested, even though we already had an idea why. My dad was arrested last Thursday on possession of Crack, Marijuana and drug paraphernalia (crack pipe). The officer told us my dad could not contact us by phone since he is in another state, we can however contact him by mail. This devastated us; thankfully my older sister was by my side when we found out this bad news.
That night I cried myself to sleep while my sweet T held me in his arms. How could my dad still live his life like this at age 56? This man has four beautiful, awesome and loving children and six sweet grandkids that all love him no matter what. He chose to miss out on it all. My little brother, his only son graduating with honors, getting a full 4 year scholarship to the University Of Washington. His grandkids playing sports and becoming so smart and talented. He missed out on all 4 of his kid’s childhoods. My dad misses it all because of his addiction.

My father has lost everything good in his life and he still hasn’t hit rock bottom. I believe he has no bottom. He lost his wife, family, career, home and car. He has been in and out of jail/prison and now its looking like he is headed back that way again. Prison that is!

Just writing that last sentence made the tears start to weld up, but I won’t let myself cry, NOT today!

Two days ago my little sister (Kellie) sent me this text: “Dads counselor for his program he is in just called me. She was trying to figure out where dad was because she has been trying to find him for a week. So I let her know where he was, and now dad is going to be discharged from the program and has to get his stuff out of his apartment. She is trying to figure out who can get his things”. Since all us kids live here in Washington and the only other family my dad has in Florida is my 86 year old grandmother. Who is not doing to well health wise. So this puts a huge stress on me because I feel like I should do something to help… But I am totally helpless at this point and it consumes my mind daily.

I was thinking last night if my dad doesn’t get sentenced to prison I need to get his butt back here to Washington. Once that plan pans out, I will contact the Intervention show asap. I plan to have each of my siblings write a letter to the show expressing their views about our father. Then another part of me just wants to say it’s a big waste of time, this is who my father is and there is nothing that will change his way of life.

My father is a fun guy to be around, always laughing, a friend to everyone he meets, and has a bug heart, awesome personality and there is so much to love about him. He just has lived a hard life of addiction and self medicates. I know deep down we will eventually lose our father to his addiction. Which makes me sad and angry all at once, because this could all be prevented? He has a chance to turn his life around and it’s not too late. My dad has so many more years ahead of him. I believe my dad’s addiction is a disease and I know its one that he can overcome.

At this time I can only pray and give it to the lord.

I am glad I finally got this off my stress and shared it with the blog world.

Thank you!

ADDICT-Part 2

I chose to tell this story of my father not for the sympathy but for therapeutic reasons (thank you Dandy). I thought instead of constantly stressing about the situation and crying many of tears, I would put it down in writing and share this story I have always been so embarrassed of. Holding this all inside and keeping it a secret wasn’t helping me at all. I hope this blog reaches anyone who can relate or advise.

After we moved I only would hear from my dad if he needed something. I would go months with out hearing from him, I would find myself crying, missing him, wondering where he could be? Is he safe? Is he alive? Every knock on my door I expected to be the police coming to let me know my dad was dead. At this point I came to terms of losing my father to his addiction and I was prepared for his death.

In 2005 my dad was arrested for selling crack to an undercover cop. Ryder was 3 years old and didn’t know my father/his grandfather. I never called him grandpa to my son; we would just say my dad or mom’s dad.
My dad was sentence to prison for 1 year and 90 days, I was happy my dad was there! I know it sounds harsh but it gave me comfort knowing he had shelter, food and medical care in prison, plus I knew where he was. During his prison stay I became pregnant with my 2nd baby (Mazie), life was stressful enough during this time with my marriage and I chose to ignore my father’s calls from prison. One day I was contacted by his parole officer and asked if my dad could stay with me when he gets out. There were so many stipulations, such as no alcohol could be in our home, they would do random searches of our home and it was my responsibility to make sure he went to his probation appointments. The answer was NO! There was no way I was going to take the responsibility of my father, have a new baby and 4 year old son to take care of. There was no way I was going to confuse my son about my father and random searches I was not comfortable with at all. My dad tried for weeks to talk me into letting him stay with us so he could get out of prison. After the 5th no from me, he finally gave up. My dad got out of prison when my daughter was a few months old. He ended up staying with his girlfriend who had issues with drugs of her own, so he went right back to his normal way of life. My dad didn’t talk to me much after his release and I was okay with that.

While going through my divorce my dad started contacting me again, because he needed me to give him rides to the VA. I agreed to help my dad out only when it came to his health issues. Smoking cigarettes, being an alcoholic and drug addict can really destroy not only your life but your health too. Since I only worked 3 days a week I would take the time on my days off load my kids in the car (age 5 and 9mos) and drive to the slums of Bremerton to pick up my dad. I could NEVER bring the baby or my son in my dad’s GF’s house since they smoked in there, shoot I could hardly breathe…Gross!
We would then take my dad all the way to Lakewood where the VA is for his ALL day appointments. Looking back at it my kids are such troopers! It was a sacrifice we made to keep my dad healthy and on his meds. My dad has major heart issues and we almost lost him to a crack/drug induced stroke when I was 17 years old.
This was very important to me to help my dad out with his health, since I always felt guilty for kicking him out of our house and not taking him in when he was released from prison.

Sorry but I am going to back track a bit-

I mentioned a glimpse of my child hood having an addict as a father, but I failed to mention how close we were. I would of defiantly defined myself as a “daddy’s girl”, we always had a bond that no one could touch. When my parents were divorced I was devastated and was so angry my whole teenage years at my mother. You see my mother never told us why she divorced my dad. Until the day I asked my mother if I could see my dad for the weekend and her reply was “Your dad can’t have visitation until he is sober”. This broke my heart, I missed him so much. Eventually my dad must have gotten sober, but only long enough for us to spend two weekends with him. Then the visitation stopped and I asked no questions why, I guess I already knew….

Needless to say since I can not help my dad get over his addictions, I try my best to help him with his medical situations.

After my divorce my dad and I became close again as we started spending more time at his VA appointments. My dad eventually moved back to Florida to be with my Grandmother, he lasted maybe 4 months there. Then he was back in Washington, homeless and now staying with my older sister and I. My sister could handle my dad’s ways and she had to kick him out, he then went and stayed with my little sister for maybe a few weeks. She couldn’t handle him either, so we ended buying him a one way bus ticket back to Florida, it was pretty much an ultimatum at that point.

To be continued tomorrow for the final part....

ADDICT

*Warning this story is about a life of addiction and family*
PART ONE:

Hearing the news about my dad this past Sunday morning did take me by surprise. Considering this kind of situation with my dad is complete normal behavior for him you’d think it wouldn’t be a surprise to me.


Growing up having an addict for a father was confusing, dysfunctional, lonely and emotional. Having an addict as a father as an adult is stress, heart ache, anxiety, anger and worry.

My dad is addicted to crack…

Whoa! I said it; I actually put that in writing?! I felt like it was a confession, I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I know these feelings are completely normal, and I have no reason to be ashamed. Ugh!

Growing up my mother protected us from knowing of my father’s addictions. My mother has always been a single parent, even when she was married to my father. My dad spent most, if not all of my childhood being an addict, going in and out of rehab and sometimes jail. I remember him being gone all the time, sometimes for days out with his “friends”. My younger siblings did not have him around at all compared to what my older sister and I had. My mother finally had enough after 19 years of marriage and 4 children, she divorced him. Later on in my life I learned my dad was dealing drugs (crack) and it was putting our family in danger. My mother is a strong Christian woman and she raised us 4 kids to be loving, forgiving and generous people. I believe my mother loved my dad so much she was willing to stay and just pray that he would one day change, if not for him but for us. We are blessed to have a mom who never once touched drugs or became an addict. Who knows what life would be like if she did?

After the divorce my dad’s addiction got worse, he lost his job, home, car and family. My father has been a homeless man for the past 12 years, if he wasn’t on the streets he was staying with “friends”, shelters, or with me or my sisters.

When I was 19 years old my father came to me after a 2 month stay at the county jail. From that point on I helped him out with money, food and shelter. Even after I moved, got married and had my first baby, my dad was still my responsibility, or so I thought. He would disappear for weeks and then show up out of the blue and crash for a day and leave again for weeks. Ryder was 2 months old and it was time for us to move into the home we just bought and it was time to let my dad know he would not be coming with.

to be continued with part two tomorrow....

* I found myself hesitating before I could click the PUBLISH POST button, here goes nothing*



Love Boat

We decided to go with a cruise for our upcoming vacation. There were so many options to choose from and it was a long hard process but we survived. We will set sail in March for a 7 night Mexican Riviera Cruise aboard Carnival Cruise Lines (Splendor). We will be visiting 3 different ports in Mexico; Puerto Vallarta, Mazatlan and Cabo San Lucas.

Our trip will start off in Los Angeles CA, we decided to go a day early before the cruise and do the whole LA scene (this time kid less).

This is the exact Cruise ship we will be traveling on.

T and I are over the moon about this fun exciting adventure ahead. We went through all the fun excursions we can do at all the ports we are scheduled to visit. There are so many excursions to choose from. Swimming with dolphins, scuba diving, snorkeling, 4 wheeling and horse back riding on the beach or on the mountain trails, boating, fishing, sailing, resorts, shopping and GOLF. I plan to set Sweet T up for some golfing while in Puerto Vallarta, I heard they have beautiful courses. While T is golfing I can go shopping and hang at the beach.

A map of the ports we will visit; Puerto Vallarta, Mazatlan and Cabo San Lucas.

Our friends couldn’t make the trip this time since they just bought their first home and are moving as we speak. I did all the decision making and planning for this trip so far. I did ask T for his input and shared options with him, but he would rather me plan and he can enjoy the vaca.

I do love to plan and its seems I am adding a lot to my planning plate lately.

The trip may be booked but my planning has just begun. I must get my rear in shape and toned. Plan our excursions, make sure my kids are squared away for those 8 days, start planning Isaiah’s next trip (Spring Break) which is the week after our cruise, and get cracking on planning Bee’s baby shower.

In the midst of it all I need to decide if this move to Gig Harbor is the right one, decide to transfer the kids to another school or not, worry about my son’s upcoming baseball tryouts and figure out the situation with my dad. Oh and did I mention I work full time and my son just started basketball that is 3 days a week for the next 5 weeks? Yep they don’t call me busy Tall Girl in heels for nothing.

This vacation is going to be L-E-G-E-N-D-A-R-Y! In fact T and I are calling it the…

LOVE BOAT soon will be making another run

The Love Boat promises something for everyone

Set a course for adventure,

Your mind on a new romance.

Hey it could have been worse; I could have thrown this one at ya… Nah that one can wait for when we really do go on a boat. *wink*



Weekend update-Feb 4th-6th

Saturday was a usual busy day with my kids that started out with Mazie’s dance class (jazz) and the tours of two houses. Let me just say the 2nd house I looked at was icky and gross. It had the ugliest 1970’s bright yellow shag carpet and I was not digging the style. I am glad we are not in a rush on this house hunting situation because I would be going bonkers.


Later Saturday afternoon I took Mazie to target and we got some new storage items for her room and the boys’ room. I spent over an hour organizing and cleaning Mazie’s room, good times!

After all the cleaning and organizing I prepared a huge lasagna dinner with Caesar salad, sourdough bread and brownies for desert. We hosted fight night at our place and when T has his buddies over I make sure to fill their bellies up with home cooked meals. Of course my cooking was a hit! *wink* I will indeed share the recipe on here soon.

I did have two extra kiddos stay the night too, my nephew Jaelen and my niece Kennedy, so that was an addition to my full plate for Saturday night.

Sunday I made French crepes for the kids and T for breakfast. Yum!

Then right before my older sister (Alisa) came by to pick up her kids, I got a text from our little sister (Kellie) that says: “Dads in jail… Idk why, grandma said he was “framed, just like last time” Its 2,700 to get him out. And she expects us to help… that’s all I know.

When my older sister got to my house we both cried and were just very upset to hear the news about our father. Alisa did some investigating of her own because neither one of us wanted to call our grandmother, she would just give us the wrong info and we needed the truth. We got a hold of the jail he is at and got some answers to our questions. Which was just one huge let down and I am glad we had each other for support.


Once things settled T the kids and I got ready and went over to Andrew’s to watch the super bowl. Good food, good friends and good times!

There you have it folks the weekend update is complete.


* I am sure you are wondering what’s up with your dad? I do intend on writing a post about that never ending chapter in my life at some point this week. I feel like I am old enough now to start talking about it and sharing with others who may be in the same situations.*

GO RED!!!

Last night we had the pleasure of getting Mazie back a few days early. It’s the kid’s week with their dad and I wasn’t supposed to get them back until tomorrow. Much to my surprise I got a phone call yesterday afternoon while at work. It was my ex asking if I could pick Mazie up from his mom’s cause she is sick and he didn’t want the baby to get sick again. Of course I said yes! T and I miss our kids major when we don’t have them. Any chance for extra time with our kiddos we jump right on it. After work yesterday I went and got my baby girl. I was super excited, but sad that my daughter was kicked out of her own daddy’s house just because she was sick. Huh, how does that make any sense?

I am happy Mazie was with us last night; she got lots of extra special attention from us both. I think she is digging this only child gig for the time being. Ryder got to stay with dad till Friday since he is healthy. Whatevs!

Thank you to my mumsy for never sending me away for being sick.

Today Mazie stayed home with T, since she is still not “feeling berry good”. T felt so lucky to spend extra time with his two favorite girls. Yep, I have share my man! *wink*



*Hey ladies don’t forget-WEAR RED FRIDAY 2/4/11- its “national GO RED for woman” day!*

Do you hear what I hear?

Listen…. Do you want to know a secret… do you promise not to tell?


Yep I am full if secrets this week and I would like to start off with this particular one that I have had since age eleven. That is when it all was discovered.

When I was in 5th grade my mother noticed I was struggling in school, so she had me go have a list of testing done. One was to check my hearing, and the results were not so good. It turned out that I had major hearing loss in my right ear. I was told that someday down the road I would probably need a hearing aid.

They say it’s from when I had bacterial meningitis at 18 months old. Not so bad after being in a coma for 4 days, numerous spinal taps and record high fevers. As other children/babies were dying from this illness at this time. The doctors were in shock that I didn’t end up blind, deaf or mentally challenged from the meningitis.

Years passed…..

In the spring of 2008 I started having “episodes” or vertigo as some may call it. I ended up going to see an ENT (ear, nose and throat specialist) and I had the opportunity to have a hearing test done by the audiologist. The results were not good, I had almost 50 percent hearing loss in my right ear and the left ear was starting to go as well, it had 25 percent loss. I pretty much ignored that whole ordeal after my “episodes” stopped.

Until one day last summer (July 2010) I decided to go across the street to Harbor Audiology and check on my hearing, just to see if I had anymore loss.

Yep I sure did and that is when I decided to take advantage of my insurance and do something about it. I figured I am 30 years old and I really don’t care what people may think or say about me wearing a hearing device as much as I did in my younger days.

So I went for it and I was fitted for one hearing device for my right ear.

I will never forget the day I got my “new ear”, it was amazing just how deaf I was in that ear. It shocked me just how much I never heard before. I was excited to hear my doctor type on the keyboard keys or a pen drop on the desk. Even to hear my children in a whole new way just meant the world to me. How did I live life like this with out even noticing… I even had to tell T to stop talking so loud, which is an extremely rare since he is so soft spoken. I literally cried like a baby the day I got my hearing device, it just amazed me how long I went with out hearing things and people correctly. It certainly gave me a better outlook on life and sound.

So there is my secret for today, it’s a secret because nobody knew I even have this device unless I tell them. *wink*



This is exactly what my hearing device looks like, its so tiny you can't even see it when I have it one. The best part its PINK!